formerly The Bald Imposter

The Bald Imposter first showed himself to AH.Com as a half-naked, oiled-up geezer wearing a horny helmet; with another photo showing his face being licked by a soldier: presumably, they were practicing some form of resistance to interrogation training in case they were captured by the Greek Army during a NATO exercise.

The Bald Imposter could be taken to be a raving gaysexual, given his sense of humour, but he assures us that he is all man and, weirdly enough, prefers the intimate company of women or at least a reasonable facsimile thereof.

He is also viewed widely - by about 4 votes - as being the straight American twin of Fellatio Nelson. In chronological terms he could be Thande‘s twin, however.

Currently, a recent returned GI, who had been a soldier not too long ago, sunning himself in the desert (in Iraq...or did he say he worked for Tie Rack?), he employs an unwilling, yet worryingly flirtatious, Nek as his batman, whilst awaiting the Royal Mail to deliver Nek’s female relatives unto his foxhole. (Flocculencio brokered the deal, at the low, low rate of 10% commission.)

Baldie, as he is affectionately called, used to be an important member of the Heterosexual Reconquista, until the creepiness of certain members of the noble Reconquista (specifically Ran Exilis and countless randy teenagers) became too much for him.

He was also given the Goatist title 'Balide' by Flocculencio. He is the centre of the ancient religion Baldianism. He was responsible for one of the most memorable series of photos on the Sealion World Tour and occasionally still claims to be a sock puppet for Mike Collins.

Baldie also has a superpower: he is capable of spotting the sockpuppets of returned Banned trolls almost immediately, even if the idiosyncrasies of their posting style are quite subtle.

He is known to be irritated if people regurgitate info exactly

how’s it’s presented in places like Wikipedia

No one has ever dared ask him why his name is misspelled.

Baldie recently let it be known that he is, in fact, a 14-year-old schoolgirl named Kayla, who “luvs Dylan 4eva”.

It has also recently been revealed, by no other than The Bald Imposter himself, that The Bald Imposter is the best poster.

• Baldie
• Balide
• Badlei (from drunk Thande, suggesting he’s a below-standard Hawaiian flower garland)
• Bladie
• Blakey (”I ‘ate you, Nelson!”)
• Balders
• The Baldster (by Nekromans)
• Slaphead (given to him by Fellatio Nelson in the early days)
• Big Stupid Dinosaur (given to him by a kid he was babysitting)
• Mr. Imposter

• (in response to innuendo by Kit and Fell, or the Creepy Hetero Teens slavering after a new female member)

• I'm drinking...

• (in response to a series of posts between Thande and elle-jay on the above thread) What the F**K

• (after further developments) WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY THREAD??!!!

• When did it become 2002 again? (after a member making a reference to an obsolete Internet meme, such as Chuck Norris facts, ‘All Your Base’, etc.)

• DO NOT sleep with a roommate of the opposite gender.

Baldie founded the practice of Baldian Smileyology, in which prominent members are associated with a particular smiley. Baldie himself, of course, is associated with the :mad: smiley.

The Bald Imposter has started and abandoned after one post some of the Board’s most ambitious and fascinating timelines.

A Most Fortunate Arrow (POD: Gracchus the Elder is killed fighting Iberian rebels in 150 B.C.) featured reformed Roman Republic that made Carthage a vassal, a New Alexandrian Empire, and ethnic shuffling that would put Thermopylae to shame. This TL is still active, and “very intensive research” is to blame for the fact that it hasn’t been updated since mid-2006.

The Danelaw of Britain (POD: Alfred of Wessex is defeated by the Great Heathen Army in 870 A.D.)

Collaborated with frequent partner in crime Haggis in the development of Vincent Votes (POD: Free blacks in Haiti are allowed to vote in 1790). This TL is also undergoing “very intensive research)

Wrote a short fiction piece called A Matter of Titles, which was widely hailed as hilarious and brilliant.

Asks about the Volga Germans in any TL with a POD between 1763 and 1941.

Err...that’s about it, really.

Baldie is a member of the Keep Everything The Way It Was Before Party and is one of their MPs. He has also been appointed as a Special Cabinet Minister by Acting President Sargon holding the position of High Strategos of the AH.com Marines.

Baldie has made appearances in several episodes in the AH.COM Series.

Appears in Doctor What’s Snake Oil, as Michael Baldwin.

Features in Fell’s story Dial M for Elastic as Baldie the Cugly, King of Thandalistan.

Appears in Luaky Commer as a Knowitall student and in AH.com Wars with a minor jokey cameo.

Features in There'll Always Be An England as Sergeant Theodore Baldwin.