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Keira Knightley


The Goddess of Victory. Seen by her worshippers as being akin to Athena, and very hot. A recognised Saint of Goatism.

Worshipped by the Keira Knightley Fan Club.

The KKFC has theorised that Keira Knightley, along with Natalie Portman may hold the key to the salvation of the Universe itself. If Samuel L. Jackson and Mr. T were to ever team up, they might well keep their beer in the same fridge. Any fridge used by both Jackson and T would be the coolest object known to mankind, so cool that it might slowly bring all atomic motion to a halt. The only way to avert this would be for Keira Knightley and Natalie Portman to make out, thus producing an equivalent level of hotness to counter the sheer coolness of the Jackson/Mr. T fridge.

Opposed by, among others, Torqumada.

Also famed for being a sure-fire thread derailer, mainly by discussion of whether her breasts are okay or not.

It has been theorised that if Keira Knightley were to ever visit the Grand Tetons, the result would be something akin to a matter/antimatter reaction, laying waste to much of the Western Hemisphere.

It was recently discovered by Max Sinister while doing research for the Chaos TL in Africa, that there once existed a Keira dynasty in the Kingdoms of Darfur, which may explain Floid's obsession with Sudananananenesisia.

And her first name is written Keira, not Kiera, goddammit!

In Fiction

Fictionalized version seen in The Series

During the episode Cult of the Swamp God, she was a non-player character in a giant role-playing game whose role was to fall in love with whoever rescued her from being a human sacrifice. Much to Flocculencio's chagrin, it was Dave Howery who rescued her, and the two are now living in sin aboard the ship.

Unlike her profanity-spewing chain-smoking real-life counterpart, this KK is a middle-class medieval woman who is generally well-behaved and polite, but expects to be treated like a lady in return. Tends to speak rather formally and archaically. Dave is somewhat overly protective of her and is teaching her to use his chainsaws in battle.

This proved helpful when she acquired a very dangerous secret admirer - Evil MrP, a psychic officer aboard the Vendetta. After the Vendetta's Space Marine crew briefly seized control of, he took her to his quarters and made an extremely heavy-handed attempt to seduce her. She kicked him somewhere painful, and he retaliated by telekinetically binding her to a chair with cables. He was about to cut her clothes off when Dave Howery intervened. The two fought a ferocious chainsword-on-chainsaw duel and when Evil MrP got Dave in a bad position, Keira intervened by attacking Evil Mrp with one of Dave's chainsaws. Although Evil MrP soon hung her from an overhead walkway, Dave was able to recover and ultimately defeat Evil MrP.

Despite being very (some say unnaturally) slender, she appears to be very insecure about her weight. When the crash-landed on the Planet of the (Deformed) Luakels, she went ballistic on a Luakel clone she thought had called her fat, then tearfully asked Dave if he would love her if she ever got fat.

Pointed out in a later episode was the fact that, because she's an artificially created human being who was brought into existence fully grown, she only has a very simple genetic code, and Dave is terrified about what might happen if she was ever affected by one of the crazy gene-manipulating mad scientist/vengeful dark god types that the Ship seems to encounter on a practically daily basis. Knowing the writer chimps, we'll end up with Kieryson Hannley.

In other works

Keira Knightley was also featured in the story Luaky Commer and the Chamber of Sikh Ritz (as Tiny-Titted Titania), where she proves that she can cure stoned people.

See Also

offtopic/keira_knightley.txt · Last modified: 2014/09/05 15:41 by Petike